Hello and welcome to your new muscles! They’re not really new, of course; you’ve had them for 30-some years. But because the only greens in your diet are lime-flavoured jellybeans, and you’ve spent approximately 97% of your waking hours hunched in front of glowing rectangles, your muscles have entered a new phase of deterioration.
The following FAQ will help you understand exactly how terrible the rest of your life will be.
Why are my muscles in constant pain?
You have to understand that your body has upwards of 850 individual muscles and each one of them hates you.
This is how I would have expected to feel at, like, 60.
Yes, your body has effectively given up, which has accelerated your aging process. By 35 you’ll feel like you’re 80, and by 40 you’ll feel like you’re 127.
I see other people doing things like sitting on picnic blankets and carrying everyday items including books, groceries and purses without this seeming to cause them serious pain. Is it appropriate to stare at them as though they’re three-headed aliens who teleported here via a ring of purple fire?
Sure, I guess.
What can I do to make this better?
You can pay a hipster osteopath $97 to stab you in the leg with a needle and call that ‘acupuncture’.
Uh-huh, so you’re saying there’s nothing I can do?
You can spend thousands of dollars and several futile years with physios, massage therapists, chiropractors, osteopaths, yoga instructors, pilates instructors, doctors, reiki masters and a man who believes that muscle trauma can be healed through immersion in pickle brine.
Will any of that help?
The pickle brine guy has a lot of positive Google reviews.
What if I just have a nice hot bath?
Most bathtubs were purposefully designed to fuck up your neck.
Maybe I should just spend the next fifty years lying down.
Lying down causes your lower back to seize. Also, you still haven’t found a pillow that prevents your neck pain. Here’s the secret: no such pillow exists!
What if I ate some broccoli?
As if you’re going to eat broccoli.
No really, I found this soup recipe and also green smoothies are a thing.
And? How is it?
OMG it’s like chewing a pine tree why does my body even want this?
Your taste buds also hate you.