All-natural house cleaning through Satanic ritual

Satan’s Glass Cleaner
½ cup vinegar
¼ cup rubbing alcohol
2 cups water
1 still-beating heart of a goat

  1. Mix the first 3 ingredients. Using a spray bottle, spray the mixture onto glass or mirrors with your right hand while waving the goat heart your left hand (the evil hand) and conjuring the Dark Lord with your third eye.
  2. Simply wipe the surface with clean paper towel or newspaper!

Note: This is more effective if the goat heart was removed during proper sacrificial ritual in which the name Amodeus was intoned by a high priest or priestess, but these can be hard to come by.

Financial advice for writers (and other chronically underpaid professionals)

If you’re like me, you’ve probably never made a decent paycheque. Some people might suggest you’re in the “wrong industry” and you should get a “real job,” but those people will never know the joy that comes with putting the finishing touches on the thirty-seventh draft of a made-for-YouTube webisode script entitled Monkey Balls. But even though you’re not rolling in anything but bed bug infested sheets, you still deserve quality financial advice – and I am here to give it you. You can trust me, I’ve been barely employed for years.

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There’s one key secret to financial success: instead of making money, don’t spend money! More specifically, plan in detail what you would spend if you had money, and then find a way to not spend it. Need a pedicure? Wear socks! Want news pants? Get mustard stains trending on Instagram! Want to buy a book? Find a terrible review of it! “Kiki” gave Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl one star with the comment “lousy ending.” So forget reading that. You just sort of made yourself a sweet $6.18 and are well on the way to your financial goal of not living in an abandoned car.

With this system, you can relieve yourself of the need to earn thousands of dollars – or even more. For example, figure out a reason you need to buy an aircraft carrier – then don’t! You just saved billions of dollars, and can pat yourself on the back for your savvy financial decision-making. As you can see, this system also allows you to put your creativity to work – with lucrative results.