Let’s go out for cool water and zucchini slices

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You probably heard that I quit sugar recently. Well, technically speaking – and there are a lot of technical details based on questionable science – I quit fructose. A skinny blonde woman and a man claiming to be a doctor said fructose is bad and I should stop eating it, and also stop being in the same room as it, so I did. You should too! I would love to tell you all about it over coffee, except I might be tempted to put some fructose-laden sugar in the coffee, so let’s avoid that whole quagmire, shall we?

I know a great place where we can get a tall glass of slightly-below-room-temperature water (not too cool or it affects your metabolism, that’s another thing you should look into, here’s ten web links) and a plate of diagonally sliced low-calorie zucchini. There’s no menu – that’s all they serve! That’s their secret, no temptation. It’s very popular with women like me who wear lycra and neon purple runners all day so everyone who sees us is aware of our superior lifestyle choices.

I had to stop going to most cafes because studies have shown that sugar can be absorbed straight through your pores, so even being in the same room with it can negatively affect your endocrine system. A slice of banoffee cheesecake diffuses fructose molecules into the air at a rate of 0.37 micrograms per minute. Depending on your proximity to the dessert tray, you can absorb up to 41% of that through exposed skin!

It’s not enough to purge your home of fructose. You need to find sugar-free zones where you can enjoy a quick snack without the military-dessert-industrial complex pressuring you with omnipresent brownies, cupcakes and melt-in-your-mouth macaroons, which are things I absolutely do not want and neither should you.

When are you free? I can do tomorrow, or this afternoon, or even right now. I’ve got a lot of free time since I started avoiding all my sugar-eating friends. They were enablers who would say crazy things like “it’s okay to have a slice of banana bread now and then,” which it absolutely is not, since sugar is more addictive than cocaine and anyone who cared at all about your health would not tell you it’s okay to have a little cocaine now and then, would they?! Well, how about Thursday? Saturday? The water and zucchini slices are on me and I’ve got lots more to tell you about why fructose is ruining your life. Next month? Early next year? Please?

All-natural house cleaning through Satanic ritual

Satan’s Glass Cleaner
½ cup vinegar
¼ cup rubbing alcohol
2 cups water
1 still-beating heart of a goat

  1. Mix the first 3 ingredients. Using a spray bottle, spray the mixture onto glass or mirrors with your right hand while waving the goat heart your left hand (the evil hand) and conjuring the Dark Lord with your third eye.
  2. Simply wipe the surface with clean paper towel or newspaper!

Note: This is more effective if the goat heart was removed during proper sacrificial ritual in which the name Amodeus was intoned by a high priest or priestess, but these can be hard to come by.

Financial advice for writers (and other chronically underpaid professionals)

If you’re like me, you’ve probably never made a decent paycheque. Some people might suggest you’re in the “wrong industry” and you should get a “real job,” but those people will never know the joy that comes with putting the finishing touches on the thirty-seventh draft of a made-for-YouTube webisode script entitled Monkey Balls. But even though you’re not rolling in anything but bed bug infested sheets, you still deserve quality financial advice – and I am here to give it you. You can trust me, I’ve been barely employed for years.

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There’s one key secret to financial success: instead of making money, don’t spend money! More specifically, plan in detail what you would spend if you had money, and then find a way to not spend it. Need a pedicure? Wear socks! Want news pants? Get mustard stains trending on Instagram! Want to buy a book? Find a terrible review of it! “Kiki” gave Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl one star with the comment “lousy ending.” So forget reading that. You just sort of made yourself a sweet $6.18 and are well on the way to your financial goal of not living in an abandoned car.

With this system, you can relieve yourself of the need to earn thousands of dollars – or even more. For example, figure out a reason you need to buy an aircraft carrier – then don’t! You just saved billions of dollars, and can pat yourself on the back for your savvy financial decision-making. As you can see, this system also allows you to put your creativity to work – with lucrative results.