Category: List

  • Chateau Relaxo (and other houses I’ve known)

    Since I first began aimlessly wandering my neighbourhood (a side effect of being sick), I’ve collected nearly 150 house names. I’d passed most of these places many times before, and never paid attention to them. When I was healthy, I always had somewhere to be and something on my mind. Now my mind is desperate […]

  • Greetings from the nursing home

    Ever since visiting my great grandmother in a nursing home when I was a kid, I’ve dreaded the physical decline, mental deterioration and lack of mobility that are, for most people, part of old age. Occasionally I’d imagine myself as elderly, and start to panic. To calm down, I’d have to remind myself that people […]

  • My neighbourhood is a poem

    Lately I’ve been collecting the names of houses in my neighbourhood. Where I grew up, houses didn’t have names. They were just houses. Everything else had names, including apartment buildings, but not houses, and that didn’t seem strange. When I moved to Australia, I was surprised by how many houses had names, and announced those […]

  • Updated alternatives to the saying ‘a bridge too far’

    A smoothie too thick A url too long A website too 90s A pizza too meaty A laptop too heavy A corn syrup too high-fructose A beer too warm A hair style too Trump A coffee too hipster A toilet too public  

  • Congratulations, you’ve won post-infective fatigue syndrome

    Thank you for playing Why Am I So Sick All The Time? It’s been an exciting several months, but we’re finally ready to announce the outcome. Remember, all of these conditions and more were in the mix: Lupus Malaria Ross river fever An allergy to cockroaches Pregnancy Maybe some kind of cancer? Multiple sclerosis Syphilis […]

  • The 7 Wonders of My Sock Drawer

    Sausage dog made from plastic cocktail sausages 7.35 in convertible pesos smuggled out of Cuba Piece of fool’s silver (balled-up aluminum foil) Journal with entries for January 1 through 3, 1997, remainder blank Really old raisins or maybe rat droppings Bar of soap shaped like a toilet Three socks without holes (unmatching)

  • 2017’s Hottest Fashion Trends

    Habanero sauce, rubbed everywhere Skirt made from rings of fire Miniature Hadron Collider vest, set to 9.9 trillion °F Actual fireplace strapped to your waist Paper mâché volcano hat Suit made of quasars (they’re very hot) Full-body skin suit of 2017’s Sexiest Man Alive Gloves that are actually Carolina Reaper peppers Dwarf star fascinator The Hope Diamond, after […]

  • How to be Australian according to your passport

    Your passport contains the distilled essence of Australia. Study its images carefully during the interminable minutes in line at Immigration. Each image is a puzzle piece. Fit them together, and you will know what it is to be Australian. Australian passport images, in order of appearance Parliament, featuring the largest free-standing stainless steel structure in […]

  • Blind dating with books: the game

    I recently hosted Blind Dating with Books as part of Noted Festival’s LitHop, where a Lonely Reader from the audience played to find the book of his or her dreams. Some of the books the Lonely Reader met included the fine, well-known titles listed here. Can you guess the identity of these books? They may […]