5 life hacks you absolutely must follow or you’ll be dead by Friday

1. Taupe is your colour. That’s right, taupe.

2. Attach paperclips to a hanger, then put in your freezer to avoid thinking about your credit card debt.

3. If you’re driving in snow and spin out, pour a bucket of hot water under each tire. Seriously. Your neighbours won’t laugh at you.

4. Put a piece of white bread inside your shirtsleeve to soak up sweat.

5. Get 37 people to retweet you within exactly 29 seconds, and a unicorn will appear to grant you one wish.

The overlooked cultural achievements of spam mail

This week I received an email from someone named Cletus Woodham, with the subject  Spam: part 3. This reminded me how wonderful spam is. I mean, Cletus Woodham? 

Cletus Woodham - a spam love story by Ashley Kalagian Blunt

My curated collection of spam screenshots are a testament to spam mail’s magnificence, a fact sadly overlooked in modern society. I argue that spam is one of our greatest cultural achievements. Consider:

1. Spam is comedy. No one else sends you emails with subject lines like

Spam screenshot: comedy from Ashley Kalagian Blunt

2. Spam has your best interests at heart. Without it, how would you know about common attraction killing words to women?
comedy Ashley Kalagian Blunt
(Turns out it’s ‘honk’. Women hate that.)

3. Spam is an art form. Consider this brilliant poem:
comedy Ashley Kalagian Blunt

4. Spam alerts you to new products you never knew about but absolutely need. Spam screenshot: comedy from Ashley Kalagian Blunt

5. Spam cares. It wants to make sure you ‘do not die in pain and silence’ when your problems can ‘be handle with full force of our oracle and ancestors’.

comedy Ashley Kalagian Blunt
There are a lot more reasons why spam is great, and trust me, I will probably tell you about them sooner than you could possibly hope.

 

A way better bucket list than yours

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I’m not a competitive person, but I know my ‘bucket list’ is way more awesome than yours. That’s because most people’s lists are mostly places they want to travel or things they want to buy. Unless you want to travel to Earth’s core or purchase the corpse of Elvis, your bucket list is just a fancied-up shopping list.

My bucket list, in contrast, includes only true life experiences that money can’t buy (unless you shop in some really messed up places, I guess). That doesn’t mean I just listed anything that might seem really awesome. Sure, I’d love to build a flux capacitor and travel back to 1985. But I failed grade 10 physics, so that’s not going to happen.*

I’ve kept my list within the boundaries of reality. Likewise, I haven’t listed items just because they sound impressive. I could theoretically train hard and develop mountaineering skills and one day summit Mt Everest. But why? It’s cold up there. My list features only items I genuinely want to experience.

Selections from Ashley’s bucket list

  • Solve a murder
  • Jump from a moving vehicle
    This can happen while I’m solving the murder or be its own separate thing, whatever works.
  • Wrestle a bear
    Only in the wild, and only with a bear that attacks me first. I’m not going to pick fights with bears for no reason.
  • Receive an honourary doctorate
    This post alone qualifies me.
  • Escape a serial killer
    This relies on several external factors, but I have read a lot of thriller novels in preparation and am convinced I could have negotiated my way out of the hole before Clarice Starling arrived.
  • Become president of the Mars colony
    I’m not keen to live on Mars, but the way things are going, I assume we’ll have to abandon this planet within my lifetime. I’m not keen to go into politics either, but obviously the new colony could do with my fresh thinking. I’m prepared to make this sacrifice for the betterment of our Martian society.

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*The final exam included the question “Sound cannot travel through a ___________”. Apparently “sound-proof wall” was wrong. This is why I will never understand physics.

7 tips to stave off divorce

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Don’t go to bed angry
Instead, stay awake fighting for days, ultra-marathon style. A mention in the Guinness Book of World Records for Longest Marital Showdown is a sure way to reignite the flame.

Spice up your love life
Cardamom. Paprika. Basil. Turmeric. These are all things you should not put on your genitals, unless you are aroused by emergency medical fees.

Listen to each other
Sure, you’ve been hearing this person drone on forever about the refrigerator’s mould situation and the way Helen in accounts payable cracks her knuckles during staff meetings and that one ingrown toenail. But tuning out means you’ve given up on your spouse’s ability to surprise you. Make the effort to really listen: it may turn out the refrigerator is also leaking freon, or Helen in accounts payable has been replaced by a man whose nose hair touches his upper lip, or the doctor said that toenail has caused an infection, leading to life-threatening septicaemia. By paying close attention, you will learn intimate details that could distress and haunt you for the rest of your life

Have a regular date night
Why argue at home when you can take that shit public?

Communicate
With so many avenues of communication available, there’s no excuse for poor communication with your spouse. Don’t limit yourselves to Facebook and Twitter: get creative with Snapchat, Pinterest and Vine. By sharing every waking minute, you’ll not only know exactly what’s going on with each other, you’ll also create an archived testament to an incredible marriage spent mostly staring at your phones.

Avoid seeing each other naked
Seeing your spouse naked too often can dampen any excitement this once provided. Except for your semi-annual mutually unsatisfying horizontal romp, work together to hide yourselves and maintain the mystery of exactly how much your youth has deteriorated. Stables sell horse blinders.

Agree to disagree
And make a really big deal of it.

7 furry highlights of the Dog Lovers Show

1. Samoyeds forget to charge at the Kissing Booth (this breed isn’t known for their accounting skills)
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2. Are these Irish setters? There’s really no way to tell. img_5473

3. The Tibetan terrier, a breed known for not having any eyeballs. img_5332

4. This pug is famous on the internet but still pretty down to earth, you know?  img_5440

5. Rocking the same hairstyle as this wheaten terrier.  img_5354

6. Irish wolfhound = my husband + 23 kg
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7. This one’s name is Nimble! img_5450

(The other dogs thought Nimble was a bit of a show-off, frankly.)
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