1. Taupe is your colour. That’s right, taupe.
2. Attach paperclips to a hanger, then put in your freezer to avoid thinking about your credit card debt.
3. If you’re driving in snow and spin out, pour a bucket of hot water under each tire. Seriously. Your neighbours won’t laugh at you.
4. Put a piece of white bread inside your shirtsleeve to soak up sweat.
5. Get 37 people to retweet you within exactly 29 seconds, and a unicorn will appear to grant you one wish.
This week I received an email from someone named Cletus Woodham, with the subject Spam: part 3. This reminded me how wonderful spam is. I mean, Cletus Woodham?
My curated collection of spam screenshots are a testament to spam mail’s magnificence, a fact sadly overlooked in modern society. I argue that spam is one of our greatest cultural achievements. Consider:
1. Spam is comedy. No one else sends you emails with subject lines like
2. Spam has your best interests at heart. Without it, how would you know about common attraction killing words to women?
(Turns out it’s ‘honk’. Women hate that.)
3. Spam is an art form. Consider this brilliant poem:
4. Spam alerts you to new products you never knew about but absolutely need.
5. Spam cares. It wants to make sure you ‘do not die in pain and silence’ when your problems can ‘be handle with full force of our oracle and ancestors’.
There are a lot more reasons why spam is great, and trust me, I will probably tell you about them sooner than you could possibly hope.
I’m not a competitive person, but I know my ‘bucket list’ is way more awesome than yours. That’s because most people’s lists are mostly places they want to travel or things they want to buy. Unless you want to travel to Earth’s core or purchase the corpse of Elvis, your bucket list is just a fancied-up shopping list.
My bucket list, in contrast, includes only true life experiences that money can’t buy (unless you shop in some really messed up places, I guess). That doesn’t mean I just listed anything that might seem really awesome. Sure, I’d love to build a flux capacitor and travel back to 1985. But I failed grade 10 physics, so that’s not going to happen.*
I’ve kept my list within the boundaries of reality. Likewise, I haven’t listed items just because they sound impressive. I could theoretically train hard and develop mountaineering skills and one day summit Mt Everest. But why? It’s cold up there. My list features only items I genuinely want to experience.
Selections from Ashley’s bucket list
- Solve a murder
- Jump from a moving vehicle
This can happen while I’m solving the murder or be its own separate thing, whatever works.
- Wrestle a bear
Only in the wild, and only with a bear that attacks me first. I’m not going to pick fights with bears for no reason.
- Receive an honourary doctorate
This post alone qualifies me.
- Escape a serial killer
This relies on several external factors, but I have read a lot of thriller novels in preparation and am convinced I could have negotiated my way out of the hole before Clarice Starling arrived.
- Become president of the Mars colony
I’m not keen to live on Mars, but the way things are going, I assume we’ll have to abandon this planet within my lifetime. I’m not keen to go into politics either, but obviously the new colony could do with my fresh thinking. I’m prepared to make this sacrifice for the betterment of our Martian society.
*The final exam included the question “Sound cannot travel through a ___________”. Apparently “sound-proof wall” was wrong. This is why I will never understand physics.
1. Samoyeds forget to charge at the Kissing Booth (this breed isn’t known for their accounting skills)
2. Are these Irish setters? There’s really no way to tell.
3. The Tibetan terrier, a breed known for not having any eyeballs.
4. This pug is famous on the internet but still pretty down to earth, you know?
5. Rocking the same hairstyle as this wheaten terrier.
6. Irish wolfhound = my husband + 23 kg
7. This one’s name is Nimble!
(The other dogs thought Nimble was a bit of a show-off, frankly.)
Orange-handled table saw
Speckled garbage truck
Fork-tailed operatic hobo
High-pitched taxi brakes
Great eastern jackhammer
Lesser eastern jackhammer
European bus engine
Native cement grinder
Crested shriek-tit neighbour
Kraft White Cheddar Macaroni & Cheese with Ketchup