Resolutions I sincerely plan to achieve in 2019

At the start of 2018, I often struggled to leave my apartment due to the severity of my chronic fatigue. So for the first time in my adult life, I set no resolutions or goals for the year.

It was weird.

Because not only do I normally set resolutions and goals, I am also one of those over-ambitious weirdos who tracks them through the year, periodically reflecting on my progress.

I’m starting off 2019 still sick. I need to be realistic about what I can achieve.

Or do I? If I’m not going to achieve my resolutions anyway, this is a chance to set some truly grandiose resolutions, the type of things I’d definitely attempt if the phrase ‘you can do anything you set your mind to’ was actually true (it’s not, sorry).

Resolutions I Sincerely Plan to Achieve in 2019

  1. Summit Mt Everest in a Pikachu onesie.
  2. Prove the Big Bloop is a giant undersea creature and not just ‘shifting ice plates’ like ‘scientists’ want you to believe.
  3. Learn to speak hieroglyphics.
  4. Train a romp of sea otters to compete in the synchronised swimming competition at the 2020 Olympics. Admit it, you’d watch that.
  5. Construct a building using only pancakes and industrial-strength maple syrup on the border between two nations. Not a house though. Maybe a bank?
  6. Catch a serial killer (this could tidily knock two items off my long-standing bucket list, depending how it plays out).
  7. Grow a third arm.
  8. Successfully petition for sea otters to be eligible to compete in the 2020 Olympics.
  9. Circumnavigate the Earth north-south on a unicycle.
  10. Finally get my pet chinchillas, Pretzel and Popcorn.

For once, I feel no anxiety about these resolutions. I know they’re doomed to failure. And allowing myself to fail is, under the circumstances, actually a pretty good feeling. 2019 is shaping up to be a stellar year, even if the reality is most of it will pass much like 2018, ie like this:
Chronic fatigue syndrome


A way better bucket list than yours

I’m not a competitive person, but I know my ‘bucket list’ is way more awesome than yours. That’s because most people’s lists are mostly places they want to travel or things they want to buy. Unless you want to travel to Earth’s core or purchase the corpse of Elvis, your bucket list is just a fancied-up shopping list.

My bucket list, in contrast, includes only true life experiences that money can’t buy (unless you shop in some really messed up places, I guess). That doesn’t mean I just listed anything that might seem really awesome. Sure, I’d love to build a flux capacitor and travel back to 1985. But I failed grade 10 physics, so that’s not going to happen.*

I’ve kept my list within the boundaries of reality. Likewise, I haven’t listed items just because they sound impressive. I could theoretically train hard and develop mountaineering skills and one day summit Mt Everest. But why? It’s cold up there. My list features only items I genuinely want to experience.

Selections from Ashley’s bucket list

  • Solve a murder
  • Jump from a moving vehicle
    This can happen while I’m solving the murder or be its own separate thing, whatever works.
  • Wrestle a bear
    Only in the wild, and only with a bear that attacks me first. I’m not going to pick fights with bears for no reason.
  • Receive an honourary doctorate
    This post alone qualifies me.
  • Escape a serial killer
    This relies on several external factors, but I have read a lot of thriller novels in preparation and am convinced I could have negotiated my way out of the hole before Clarice Starling arrived.
  • Become president of the Mars colony
    I’m not keen to live on Mars, but the way things are going, I assume we’ll have to abandon this planet within my lifetime. I’m not keen to go into politics either, but obviously the new colony could do with my fresh thinking. I’m prepared to make this sacrifice for the betterment of our Martian society.

*The final exam included the question “Sound cannot travel through a ___________”. Apparently “sound-proof wall” was wrong. This is why I will never understand physics.