All-natural house cleaning through Satanic ritual III

“Like Hell” All-Purpose Cleaner and Deodorizer
½ cup baking soda
½ cup rock salt
2 cups warm water
1 or 2 drops of orange essential oil (optional)
chalice carved from basalt or white gold (the evil gold)
5 candles

  1. Place baking soda, rock salt, water and essential oil into the chalice. Cup hands over the chalice and sway back and forth while chanting, “In the name of Lucifer, Lord of Earth, and Leviathan, Lord of the Seas, and Mr Clean, Lord of Sparkle and Baldness, I bless this water in thy names!”
  2. Arrange the 5 candles to form a pentagram. Place your open palms over the flames and sway back and forth while chanting, “Satan, Lord of Fire, I call on to you to cleanse my home of impurities be they angels of ill-will or mildew.”
  3. Pour chalice solution over kitchen or bathroom counters, into dishwashers, refrigerators and bathtubs. Scrub with dark reverence and wipe with a damp sponge.

Devilishly effective! Greasy Stain Remover of Hades and Satan’s Glass Cleaner


All-natural house cleaning through Satanic ritual II

Greasy Stain Remover of Hades

½ fresh lemon
1 cup baking soda
a pentagram carved from basalt

  1. Hold the offending garment in front of you at eye level. Identify the stain. With eyes closed, visualize it engulfed by a pure and eternal flame.
  2. Squeeze lemon juice onto the stain, then apply baking soda, rubbing in a counter-clockwise direction (the evil direction).
  3. Place your pentagram in the centre of the room. Facing north, stand just behind the pentagram and hold the garment at arm’s length shouting “Asaroth!”
  4. Facing west, hold the garment at arm’s length shouting “Leviathan!”
  5. Facing south, hold the garment at arm’s length shouting “Lucifer!”
  6. Facing east, hold the garment at arm’s length shouting “Bieber!”
  7. With eyes closed, visualize the demons you have invoked and the elemental energies flowing from each direction. Aloud chant, “Around me flames the star of force and fire, within my soul The Eternal One, Immortal and Infinite!”
  8. Wash as per garment instructions.

Like this? Try Satan’s glass cleaner!

All-natural house cleaning through Satanic ritual

Satan’s Glass Cleaner
½ cup vinegar
¼ cup rubbing alcohol
2 cups water
1 still-beating heart of a goat

  1. Mix the first 3 ingredients. Using a spray bottle, spray the mixture onto glass or mirrors with your right hand while waving the goat heart your left hand (the evil hand) and conjuring the Dark Lord with your third eye.
  2. Simply wipe the surface with clean paper towel or newspaper!

Note: This is more effective if the goat heart was removed during proper sacrificial ritual in which the name Amodeus was intoned by a high priest or priestess, but these can be hard to come by.