A discussion with my body re 2017 KPIs

Me: Thank you for meeting me today. I’m hoping we can agree on a set of strategic KPIs for 2017.

Body: Sure, whatever you say.

Me: Well, that’s the thing – we make plans and then you just do your own thing. It doesn’t really feel like you’re a team player.

Body: I don’t see you going along with any of my plans.

Me: I’ve already given you all of January to do whatever you wanted, which was apparently to eat Cheetos while watching every single mockumentary on Netflix. It’s time to get serious about this year. My strategy has two main objectives: developing muscle tone and maintaining a vaguely professional appearance. Each objective has three sub-points, starting with –

Body: My main plan is weird chin hairs. Lots of them.

Me: What? No! No one wants that!

Body: Also random wrinkles. Like, vertical cheek wrinkles.

Me: That’s not even a thing.

Body: … yet.

Me: This is what I mean, we’re working against each other. I spend an hour at the gym and then another hour with the tweezers, and you undo it all overnight!

Body: Hey, re-growing those hairs is hard work.

Me: It’s wasted effort! You could be using that energy to, like, develop some abs.

Body: You could be feeding me Cheetos.

Me: 2017 is not the Year of the Cheeto! 2017 is the Year of Beet Salad and Cross-Training and Actually Wearing Some Make-Up to Work Most Days.

Body: Beet salad, really?

Me: It’s got fennel, I thought it was –

Body: Okay, sure.

Me: Look, can you at least stop twisting out of pelvic alignment immediately after I pay $78 to see the osteopath every week?

Body: You clearly don’t know me very well.

A way better bucket list than yours

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I’m not a competitive person, but I know my ‘bucket list’ is way more awesome than yours. That’s because most people’s lists are mostly places they want to travel or things they want to buy. Unless you want to travel to Earth’s core or purchase the corpse of Elvis, your bucket list is just a fancied-up shopping list.

My bucket list, in contrast, includes only true life experiences that money can’t buy (unless you shop in some really messed up places, I guess). That doesn’t mean I just listed anything that might seem really awesome. Sure, I’d love to build a flux capacitor and travel back to 1985. But I failed grade 10 physics, so that’s not going to happen.*

I’ve kept my list within the boundaries of reality. Likewise, I haven’t listed items just because they sound impressive. I could theoretically train hard and develop mountaineering skills and one day summit Mt Everest. But why? It’s cold up there. My list features only items I genuinely want to experience.

Selections from Ashley’s bucket list

  • Solve a murder
  • Jump from a moving vehicle
    This can happen while I’m solving the murder or be its own separate thing, whatever works.
  • Wrestle a bear
    Only in the wild, and only with a bear that attacks me first. I’m not going to pick fights with bears for no reason.
  • Receive an honourary doctorate
    This post alone qualifies me.
  • Escape a serial killer
    This relies on several external factors, but I have read a lot of thriller novels in preparation and am convinced I could have negotiated my way out of the hole before Clarice Starling arrived.
  • Become president of the Mars colony
    I’m not keen to live on Mars, but the way things are going, I assume we’ll have to abandon this planet within my lifetime. I’m not keen to go into politics either, but obviously the new colony could do with my fresh thinking. I’m prepared to make this sacrifice for the betterment of our Martian society.

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*The final exam included the question “Sound cannot travel through a ___________”. Apparently “sound-proof wall” was wrong. This is why I will never understand physics.